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How Old Are You?
...by Sy Rosen
I went to a job interview for a new sitcom and could tell the two young executive
producers desperately wanted to know my age but didn’t want to directly inquire so
instead asked round-a-bout questions like: How long have you been married? How
old is your daughter? Can you hum the theme song to “Car 54 Where Are You?”
These days, just about everybody is obsessed with age. It’s even worse in
Hollywood where the young would eat the old if they weren’t so afraid of
gaining weight.
However, as I’m getting older, I’ve come to the self-serving conclusion that
your age is not that cut and dried. Right now I’m fifty-eight, but that doesn’t take
into account all the different beauty and hair products, exercises and activities
that supposedly take years off your age. Using health books, magazine articles, and
wishful thinking I’ve come up with a chart to determine my real age.
Starting Age – 58
Diet – I eat blueberries, cantaloupe, caulifl ower, broccoli,
mushrooms, and Kohlrabi (I’m taking an extra 6 months
off for knowing what Kohlrabi is).
Minus 4½ years
At night I stick my head in the refrigerator and eat cake. If
no one is looking I don’t use silverware.
Plus 1½ years
Pets – having a pet for a companion supposedly lowers your
blood pressure. Also, people have told me that when they’re
depressed or lonely their dog snuggles up to them. My dog
snuggles up to me whenever I’m eating cake.
Minus 5 years
I dye my hair.
Minus 6 years
My hair has a slight green tint to it which only looks okay
on St. Patrick’s day.
Plus 1 year
Making new friends - Having strong interpersonal
relationships takes years off your age. Last week I had a
meaningful conversation with a waiter who told me how
fresh the tuna was.
Minus 4 years
The tuna wasn’t fresh which led to a meaningful conversation
with a doctor.
Plus 1 year
Losing weight – One book said you can take years off the
way you look by getting rid of your double chin. And if you
can’t actually lose weight, wear loose clothing around your
neck. I now only go out of the house in a toga.
Minus 5 years
The same book suggested that women use blush on their
cheeks to take attention away from their double chin. I also
tried that. Not only do I look thinner but the blush helped
me make some new friends.
Minus 5 years
Exercising - I jog two miles every day. I consider
it jogging even though people who are walking
occasionally pass me.
Minus 6 years
Drink plenty of water - This removes toxins from your body.
In addition, some studies have shown a link between harder
water and a decreased mortality from heart disease. I’m
taking three years off for the water and an extra two years
for the exercise I get walking to the bathroom.
Minus 5 years
Smiling, grinning and laughing supposedly makes you
younger. I now walk down the street giggling to myself.
Minus 4 years
Yesterday a lady with a slight mustache thought I was
laughing at her and slugged me.
Minus 6 years
Standing next to an older person makes you look younger.
Last week I had lunch with my good friend Barry who is
nine years older than me. And luckily, he wasn’t feeling
well so he looked even older. In addition, I told him to
order the tuna.
Plus 1 year
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According to my calculations my real age is twelve, which is perfect for the
sitcom job. The only problem is that I have to relearn my bar mitzvah speech.
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