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Maybe I Should Just Leave It
...by Sy Rosen
I went to the dentist last week because I had a cracked side tooth - a bicuspid I wish I was one of those people who
knew the name of the tooth without having to look it up, but unfortunately I'm not smarter than a fifth grader. Anyway,
here's the point-my dentist, a self-important man in his mid-forties, asked if I just wanted to leave it.
I thought that was an odd question and asked, "Don't I have to chew with it?"
"You can chew around it," he curtly responded.
For the rest of my life, I thought. And then it occurred to me that this pompous dentist's very strange suggestion
had to do with my age. I was at a point in my life when sometimes you just don't fix things in your body. It's like
when your car has 75,000 miles on it - you don't bother fixing that rattle. Is that what the dentist was saying? That
I was an old rattling car?
Okay, maybe his suggestion shouldn't have irritated me so much. After all, there are a few things going wrong
with my body that I haven't bothered dealing with. I've got gray hair, wrinkles, brown spots, jiggly arms, and
a turkey neck (I hate the term "turkey neck" - it's insulting to me and to turkeys).
I try to hide these imperfections, of course. Long sleeved shirts, turtlenecks, and an occasional scarf and cap have
become a way of life. If something goes wrong at our house - a crack or a stain - we just hide it with a plant. And
that's kind of what I'm doing with my body.
However, I'm hiding cosmetic flaws and a damaged tooth is medical. I mean, dentists are called doctors. Telling me
to ignore a cracked tooth is almost like saying there's something wrong with my spleen but I should just leave it.
I wish I could tell you that I know what a spleen does but I don't. It sounds important, though.
I decided I had to confront my dentist about this and asked, "If your patient was 30 years old would you tell him
to just leave it?"
"You're not 30," he brusquely answered.
"Okay," I replied, "but do you have a 30-year-old patient who has a cracked bicuspid?"
"I can't reveal the condition of my patients," he arrogantly said.
I didn't realize that a tooth was privileged information but I pressed on… "Okay, let's say you have a hypothetical
patient who was hypothetically 30-years-old. Would you tell him to leave it?"
"I can't comment on hypothetical patients," he said, dismissing my question.
I decided to confront him directly... "Why did you tell me to leave it?"
"A lot of different reasons," he said. I could tell that I had broken through his arrogance and he was starting to
get a little nervous.
"Like what?" I asked.
"You know…" he said. Sweat started to drip down his face.
"No, I don't," I replied, backing him into a corner.
"It's because…" He was starting to develop a tic.
"Because why?" I pressed.
"Because you're old!" he yelled, losing control. It's strange watching an arrogant dentist lose it. He got all
red in the face, his hands were shaking, and he started mumbling almost incoherently about how he should have
gone to law school. I was afraid he was going to collapse into his spit tank. He finally gathered himself together
and told me if I mentioned this to anyone he would deny it.
I felt victorious as I walked out of his office. Unfortunately I haven't found a new dentist and still have the crack
in my tooth. Oh well, maybe I'll just leave it.
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Retirement Life for Men
...by Jim McDevitt
When men retire it is like crossing a minefield wearing a blindfold. One wrong step and you end up helping with housework.
That's right. Even though you've successfully avoided housework, in some cases for forty or more years, if you make a wrong
decision, you will end up doing HOUSEWORK! This is every man's nightmare. Many of us wake up from a sound sleep dreaming that
we are wearing an apron and using a vacuum cleaner. After an experience like that it's very had to go back to sleep. Your
hands are sweaty and chills are running up and down your spine.
Danger lurks everywhere in the house. It could be dishes in the sink, dust on the floor, dirty windows, dirty bathrooms,
dirty towels, dirty laundry and on and on. Men should know that avoiding housework wears you down. No one comes over to
you at the end of the day and pats you on the back and says, Jim, you survived another day without doing housework.
Good job! No. Your only reward will be that you have carried on a tradition since we lived in caves when men did not
do cave work.
But politicians say the American Dream is slipping away from us and it is actually true. Many of the new breed of
husbands are not only doing housework, they are actually changing diapers! It's hard to believe so much of the American
Dream is disappearing right before our eyes. Many young men are not following in their father's footsteps. If we don't
stop this behavior now, the tradition will be just a fond memory.
For several years when I was young my hand was like a pincushion. My wife would say, Jim! Would you change the baby's
diaper? I have to check on the roast in the kitchen. When a woman talks to you like that you just have to walk calmly
over to the baby and pretend to start work on that diaper. Then, to survive, you must jab one of the diaper pins into
your hand. Next, Mary, I just stuck myself with the diaper pin. Thank God it wasn't the baby. I have to put a
tourniquet on my hand. Can you take over? I had to do this so many times that I almost needed a blood transfusion
but it worked.
Now that you are retired you will have to devise schemes like that to avoid housework. Take laundry for example. It
will cost you some money but if the wife corners you into doing a color wash, you need to pour several cups of Clorox
into that washing machine. Sure, you will hear some screams when you show the wife what happened but you have to think
what's best in the long run.
Here's a test. You have a vacuum pushed into your hand what do you do? Easy. You put that baby on the curtains because
you saw dust. Get it! Now get out there and be a man!
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