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The Funny Side of Life - I'm Not Going to Be Around Forever
...by Sy Rosen
Do you remember the first time you were called "sir" or "ma'am?" I remember it distinctly (the memory would
probably be more distinct if I was called "ma'am"). I was only 24 years old, but suddenly felt like the Ancient
Mariner's grandfather.
That was probably the first time someone said something that made me feel old, but it certainly wasn't the last.
Through the years it has been followed by other 'landmark aging phrases' such as: "Have you considered dying your
hair?" "It's time for a colonoscopy." "You need bifocals." "I gave you a senior discount." "Why do you want to
keep working at your age?" "Do you need help carrying those bags?" "Should I talk louder?" "It's time for your
next colonoscopy." "Have you picked out your plot yet?"
And then there was the time a driver thought I was going too slow on the freeway and when he passed me yelled out,
"Old fart!" (and I thought "sir" was bad).
Okay, all those phrases are terrible but a few weeks ago I found myself uttering my own aging phrase. I was trying
to give my daughter some advice on keeping good financial records and she wasn't really listening (big surprise).
Before I knew what was coming out of my mouth I said, "I'm not going to be around forever." She was startled and
so was I. The strange thing is, she started listening to my advice.
It was a cheap trick because, truth be told, I don't think I'm going to die. Ever. I'm pretty sure they're
going to find a cure for death any day now (and hopefully it will involve eating a lot of pastrami).
Anyway, I loved using the phrase, "I'm not going to be around forever." Sure, it was a touch self-pitying,
but it gave everything I said some import, some gravitas, some… dare I say… wisdom. It also got me better
service. For example, it was a great phrase to use at the bank.
I started to use the phrase everywhere, even when it didn't make perfect sense. I would be in a department
store saying to the salesman, "I hope this is a good shirt because…because (I repeated the 'because' to
heighten the drama)… I'm not going to be around forever."
However, like many good things, it overstayed its welcome. About two weeks ago I was ordering a Subway sandwich
for lunch and was telling the nineteen-year-old behind the counter to please make it a really good sandwich
"...because...because...I'm not going to be around forever."
Without missing a beat the teenager said, "Neither am I."
"Huh?" I eloquently responded.
"I've got a bad cough," he explained.
"Maybe you shouldn't be working in food service," I replied.
"I cough inward," the teen said, "which, of course makes my situation even worse."
At this point I realized I was in some kind of a contest - a sickness 'face off.'
"And I've got Restless Arm Syndrome," the pimply kid added.
"Isn't that Restless Leg Syndrome?" I asked.
"I've got that, too," the kid replied, "and I haven't slept in days."
"I have to go to the bathroom 4 times a night," I said, bringing out the big guns.
"I haven't gone to the bathroom in six weeks," the teen replied, bringing out
the bigger guns.
It was time to stop being subtle. "I just hope I make it through the month," I said.
"I hope I make it through my shift," he retorted.
I knew when I was beat. I wasn't sure if the teen was trying to be annoying, funny, or truthful
(I chose annoying), but right then and there I decided to stop using the phrase that I loved so much.
Oh well, maybe it was for the best and the kid behind the counter did me a favor.
I didn't leave the teen a tip but told him I would make a donation to the Restless Arms Foundation.
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